The Granny Panty

I've been trying to work on my nonfiction writing more. Here is something I tried to write like a satirical article about granny panties.


The Granny Panty
(Not just for Grandma anymore)

Has this happened to you? It’s laundry day and you’re completely out of clean underwear, including your thongs and lacey boy shorts. Even the bathing suit bottom you used last time in an emergency is dirty as well. Rather than go into work sans underwear and risk a bare beaver sighting with the wind and your flirty skirt, you make the decision that chills the souls of fashion divas everywhere.

You reach into the back of your drawer for the dreaded granny panties. With great trepidation, you pull them on, feeling your face flush with shame. Although your mother may have always told you to make sure you always had on decent underwear just in case you got into an accident, you’re positive that today will be the day it will happen and that sexy doctor or paramedic might not find you the least bit attractive with giant underpants wrapped around your butt.

Why put yourself through all this self-inflicted shame? Why should you not embrace the granny panty as a fashion accessory of choice?

Granny panties have gotten a lot of bad press over the years. They are a lot like fruitcakes. No one ever seems to admit they like them. There are loads of jokes about them, but if they are so horrible, why are there so many of them around at Christmas. Someone has to be secretly eating and enjoying them.

This is what the granny panty can do you for you. It not only can rescue you from going sans panties during laundry day, but also it can comfort you in a time of crises. Who wants to wear fashionable underwear during that time of the month? The granny panty is a natural born comforter. Made of cotton with a high waist, it is a natural to keep your lower regions less stressed during these dark days.

There is another myth about the granny panty that is not true. Your butt is not going to expand to fit them. It is not as if your rear end is a gold fish growing to fit its new environment in a new bowl.

The properly fitted granny panty will not ride up your butt at inopportune moments either. Imagine you’re in a meeting making an important presentation and you cannot concentrate because your thong is wedged much higher into your butt crack than you ever intended. How you can talk about sales figures in a situation like that? Being a liberated woman doesn’t mean you have to have fabric jammed up your butt.

Another thing you can avoid with the granny panty is the dreaded camel toe. Men have even gone as far as to call it crotch cleavage. Who wants to show off the outline of your vagina through your clothes? Sure, you are risking the dreaded panty line with the granny panty, but the camel toe is far worse. Have you seen how many web sites are devoted to this phenomenon?

Sure, it’s nice to seduce your boyfriend with a pair of sexy panties on occasion, but maybe your boyfriend might just think you’re comfortable enough around him to wear granny panties in front of him. It’s a sign of trust to take someone into your granny panty confidence.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend finds them truly repellent, you can use the granny panty as a form of revenge. What if you cannot take him leaving his fingernail clippings in the sink any longer? You can wear your granny panties until he cleans up his act.

The best thing about granny panties is that they are inexpensive. You can buy a whole pack of three or four for what you would pay for an upscale designer thong in a department store. In addition, they come in their own clear plastic carrying case with a lovely picture a smiling model on the front.

If you choose the granny panty as the fashion undergarment of choice, you’re actually taking a part of history and tradition. Our grandmothers and mothers have been wearing them for years. How many love affairs in the past have been consummated with the granny panty in the mix? Men will always be hell bent to get into our panties one way or another. Why not be comfortable when they try to do it?